But I do know I’ll make a terrible mother. I need 10 other people to make sure my life goes smoothly, how the hell am I going to create life and take responsibility of it? And how is this a default expectation from people? Maybe, I should not judge people who grew up in a different environment than me.
I’m not here to talk about motherhood though. I have -23/10 knowledge of it. I just wanted to scream into a void. I usually do that on Twitter and it’s exclusively about how fucking hot Kim Seokjin is, but I feel that stan Twitter is not the correct space to talk about my personal issues at this point. So, here I am with my complaints and nothing nice to share pretending like people actually give a shit.
I can’t believe I would be so annoyed about being loved by people. I make such a fuss about being single and having no friends and then, when someone does love me, I’m just side-eyeing them because they must be crazy to do that. It’s such a helpless feeling to be loved by good and caring people when you’re not, well, good and caring. All the love and care feels so undeserved. Maybe God knew I’d end up screwing things up for myself if left to my own devices. Because I have done nothing to have people in my life who would care this much. But I always wanted that. Now that I realize there are such people, I feel so grateful and so, so guilty.
Apart from that, I want to get a new job because I lost the old one to irrationality and sadness and I need to buy a gift for my Mom. I hate how much influence her words have over me. I love money too but the way her words become the tipping point of my decision making…should I be worried? She loves me a lot too. Asked me to tell her the time of my aptitude test so she could pray for the duration (she doesn’t know the gift is a reason. Don’t tell her. I’ll end you if you do). It’s so annoying. Go love someone else who would value it and would do nice things for you in return!
But then, the way they love is about the kind of people they are, not about me. I wish I was doing better. I couldn’t even finish that stupid poem. I want to give up and share the 7 couplets(?) I wrote so bad, but once I do that, I don’t know if I’ll complete it. I haven’t written anything new since then apart from a cover letter and a motivation letter. And since they reek of lies and exaggerations, they’re not something I liked to write, given how much I obsess over being real at least in writing. For someone so desperate to not sacrifice sincerity for beauty, outright lying is…miserable. But it’s a skill you need to learn in order to survive in the society and I don’t see the human species ending soon so I need to learn it.
I hope I figure out something soon. BTS would probably be releasing an album in April and I want to be able to at least buy digital songs. The share of artists in money made from streaming is sad and I want to give more money to the people whose work makes a difference in my life and helps me drown out the continuous noise in my brain.
I’ll end this now. I have to go for dinner. If someone is around, thanks for reading my rant and sorry you didn’t get anything out of it. I just…wanted to talk I guess.
-Anamika
P.S. To the irl people reading this, please pretend like you didn’t. That was the agreement we had when I shared the link.
