Remember when I used to binge my brain into oblivion and not show up here at all? It’s not like I’m sharing something creative so I don’t know if the rants and ramblings really count. They only bring down the quality of the stuff here, which was already questionable to begin with. But I guess now that I’m not at home and have no humans to throw my anger and frustration at, I have no other way to get it out of my system. I know journals are a thing, I have one in my bag, okay? Just…don’t make me get up from my ‘CEO’ seat. Besides, this way, I can fool myself into believing that someone is listening. I want to laugh at how silly I am being. The sad kind of silly, sure, but it’ll be better if I managed to laugh, right?
There still are things that should only be written in my journal so I won’t write them here. I guess there are filters now that my friends and family and others have the link to this space. I doubt they read. I hope most of them don’t. I care way too much about it. That’s why I hesitated, but ended up giving into the temptation of validation like a loser anyway.
I think once I have some time, I would start learning about English phonetics. I need that to understand stressed and unstressed syllables that would help me understand feet which in turn would be a step towards understanding different meters. The funny thing is that I used to think beauty would be useless once I understand it. But poetry seems like it would be more beautiful once you break it down because the real magic is the mind that uses those rules and structures to create something beautiful.
I’m really losing it. All this drama because someone casually mentioned that I have a creative brain. Loser behaviour from my end. But I’ll allow it. I’ve been going through some tough days and I haven’t screamed at anyone. I know it’s human decency, but it’s a big deal for me personally.
Remember when I had enough self respect to try to make the posts fun for other people to read? I wish I could still entertain you with my misery. That’s what creative people do, right? I need myself out of the misery for now though. Not the misery that life is in general, but the indecision around me.
Anyway, this is still called a silent sounding board, so in a way I’m still treating it as such. I have not talked so much and still been so silent in such a long time. But yeah, I am always capable of being unnecessarily dramatic about my life. Could that be my aesthetic now? Being aware of how pretentious and over dramatic I am? That’s kind of…pretentious and dramatic. I’ve created a perfect loop.
I should stop today’s rant here. It’s enough for the day I guess…
