This was supposed to be something I was excited about. I just feel sad. And tired. And frustrated. And uncertain. Maybe I do need to take up a sport…but then, how will losing make me feel more cheered up? I don’t know how Sports psychology works.
The whole process just feels tiring. How many rounds do you need to reject me? I’d rather have that than uncertainty. I really don’t like any of these jobs and I know I’ll lose my mind the moment I will be left alone with spreadsheets and sequel queries. But it’s still less miserable a place to keep your mind in than uncertainty. Am I a sellout? Sure, if I need to be one in order to make money to buy stuff for the people I love.
Love? Maybe just guilt towards people for not loving them back the way they are supposed to. Maybe I need to meditate too but it’s the most annoying thing. If I wanted to hear my thoughts for real, I wouldn’t drown myself in alcohol the moment I was left alone and didn’t have any pressing matters to attend to in an official capacity. Maybe drown is an overstatement. Ahh…adulting is so much work. What’s the point of this anyway? There is none.
I got to spend sometime alone so I did throw across some stuff out of frustration. Don’t worry, it was just my stuff. I now have new cracks on my phone’s screen guard and a broken pencil. I really need to find other ways to process this energy because this is a very unsustainable method to deal with anger. (But also, that’s the whole point of a screen guard)
Anyway, I’m tired of the process now. But I did learn about how much I need to learn. I tell myself that it’s a good thing. But it’s not like I would remember things I do learn — most of the things that I learn are things that I don’t care about as much. I need to read more about maladaptive day dreaming too — and how to keep it from ruining shit.
This is pretty much it for now. I will try to find a place near my table to keep my diary so that I don’t end up spamming this platform(?) with my personal issues more than I already have.
But if you did go through it, thank you I guess. And as usual, if you’re someone I know irl, I don’t want to hear anything about it.
Love (?), Anamika
P.S. When I say I’m sorry for what I’m doing to this space, I am. I just don’t have it in me to write something right now that would require me to work in a structure. And I love poetry in a structure (cue screaming about Intro:Persona and Outro:Tear). I would probably get back to it sometime. I hope. Anyway, gotta go now. Office calls hehe…
